It Seems.

So it really matters to me, what Jakey thinks, more then anything, even if he isnt here in person. If he thinks I’m weird…It matters, if he think’s I’m violent….It matters, I want to know what he really thinks, though, I will not ask, for i’m not sure how I would react to his answers, would they hurt my feelings, or make me happy? Will I identify it as “just friends” situation, because speaking truthfully and in depth, we really are just friends. No matter what I feel, he and I are friends, and nothing has changed that…Not that I want it to, I was thinking it be great if it did, but then, will we change? Will there be pressure to be something else then what we are now? Will I feel conpelled to do just act as a couple or be a couple. For people such as us, its hard to identify what is there. If I were to be with him, what would happen? Will I become sad, because he lives somewhere else, and most likely nothing will change that. Will I become angsty because I can’t go see him as I wish. Will people see it as a strange symbol, after all I didn’t meet him the way its suppose to be. So yes, lets say “Who cares what people think” yet wrong again, for yes, it matters at times, for it is neccesary to go on living with acceptance by others, as sensitive as I am, I wouldn’t be able to stand disaprovel. Not only are we ranked in age, and how we met, but were ranked on racial standards, and even social status. When I think about these things, it makes me feel lonely, for I think this all to myself, yet perhaps he hasn’t even thought of it yet. Sometimes it gets me sadden, for then I realize how much I really do care, and with my growing affection each at, it is not assure what I should do or say. Do I have to wait for some miracle, or a person that can understand me? Do I have to wait, until he makes up his mind, and come for me, or will he ever really come? Do I have to stand this for much longer? I will not say or do anything, for my integrity and pride are on the line. Neither will I reach out for affection, for I want it on his own will and terms, not my own desperation, and need. Heh, makes me sound pathetic, yet the true is not denied on these therms. Sometimes I think I like him so much, I would wait for long, maybe years, if my affection lasts, it would be horrible if my affection was fake, I cant think that way, it is imposible. For this feeling is the longest I ever had. For strange reasons and weird situations, it just happened, and now thats all I can ever think about, for what is wrong with me? Have I gone mad, or its just an insane idea or passion I have. For if I cant forget it, I may go mad.