Guilty

I feel guilt, like I never felt before.  It’s eating me away, I can’t take it.

Every time I remember, I feel so horrible.  As if I were lying.

Perhaps, I’m not lying.  But it means I’m hiding something, from my Jake.  I have told people, what he and I do.  It be nice if it were just one person, but no.  The truth is, its more than one person.  More than 4 I think.  I don’t even want to count.  My shame would seep out.  I just want to put this behind me, and never talk about it.  Ever again.  With anybody.

Sometimes, I felt the need to say it.  To get it off my chest.~  Now I realize, that was a terrible thing to do.  Jake recently told me, he doesn’t like it when others know his info.  Like a phone number, and I cant imagine how bad it be if he knew I said those things.  He even said..only sluts talk about what they do.  It made me sick, I feel like one actually. I know he didn’t mean it towards me, but only because he does not know.  I want to forever put it behind me, and never talk about it again.  From now on, if someone asks me about it.  I will simply say, I don’t like to talk about it.

I think I will always feel guilty about it, maybe in the future.  I can tell him, that I once said those things.  But was able to stop myself in time.  Maybe I can tell him,  that I’m sorry..

Hopeless Romantics…

If you read this, then you probably know who you are.

Logic and emotion are opposing elements.  You throw the logic all out the window, trying to get you to listen to logic is like hitting a hammer on an anvil. Neither will budge, it’ll just make a lot of noise and hurt my hand.

It’s strange, you and I can bond.  Were friends, but our love lives are completely different. You hold some of my secrets, and I hold  some of your secrets. Yet, there is some weight, that I myself have created. That I cannot hold any longer. That weight, is the gravity of my thoughts. I see you, claiming your love.  Creating new life in your heart, only for it to be destroyed in a short period of time. Then continuously recreated.  I don’t even know..if you know what love is. Even though you claim to be the embodiment of love. Love is art, love is what you do things for.  Still, in my eyes you do the exact opposite.  Or am I fooling myself? I for one, who is indeed experiencing love. I cannot see myself, doing any of the events that have led me to write this.

You, who swore to not fall for that man’s trick’s. He comes back, telling you he loves you. You quickly, forget the love that you once had for the other man you left in another country. The one who almost took your life. Then claim to love him again. I cannot fit in my head. You may have all the reasons in the world, that you were confuse, that you didn’t know what you were doing. Who is to say, that you do know now? There’s an excuse in this world, “you are never too young for love” maybe the love they mean, is not romantic. So its this love that I have for you. That compels me to tell thee, that I don’t trust your judgment. As one may call it, the last straw. This might be painful to read by now, I know. Still you will read.

You remember our conversation right? The one about your suicidal cravings, how I was not giving you the support you said you needed. It was wit, against emotion. Perhaps, that is our difference. I’m not saying, that I’m some kind of robot, with no feelings. I care, so I told you what I really thought. It was not what you wanted to hear.  You wanted me to pat you on the back, and tell you it will all be okay.  I couldn’t say that. It’s not okay at all, love is a rare gem. To me, love is almost once in a lifetime. If I were to lose my lover, how could anyone match him. Nobody could, I know your thinking, I would find someone else. Not as fast as you did, might I add.  But, I would never love the way I did. Your gonna argue that, “oh, I felt that way also!” Then if you did, how come your response was greater?  I read on your journal, your reason was. “Too many heartbreaks.” I think a heartbreak occurs, when you love someone. Did you love him that much?  No, I have that cleared. You did not love him. Do you love the man who has come back?  I highly doubt it. Not only because of the past incidents. Also because he lied to you, and when he did. You quickly moved on, now you got yourself confused with his arrival.

All this, is way too complex. I actually know for a fact, that this won’t change you at all. Not my words, for the argument we will have later will let me know if it did.  It is obvious, that you and I have very distinct thoughts and ideas. That alone can’t be denied, perhaps I  haven’t opened up to you enough. Maybe you don’t know who I am anymore. Maybe I’m afraid you won’t like it. What I think  about teenagers in general, its not pretty.  You may be thinking, your a teenager too.  I have a few months left, and I’m happy about it. Teenagers, are troublesome. I myself, can say I have problems like the rest of them. What teenagers can’t say, is the drama they build, the ways they make their friends worry. I myself, are excluded from such things. Even you, cannot deny that you have your own drama built. All your friends probably know of your love affairs, or perhaps your close friends. Teenagers, cause problems in others lives. Even adults too, you may argue.

Perhaps you think, I have changed. You are correct.

Maybe you think, ever since Jake came along. Maybe you are correct. Don’t think for a second, that I have stopped caring, just because I have all these negative thoughts. No, if anything. I wish to help, as much as I  can. Yet there is still a saying, that you can only help yourself. I have only gave you peek, into what I really think. People, most people will hardly have your best interest at heart. They are too entangled in their own affairs.

I’m giving you a preview into my persona, I know you think you had me down.

I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but it really if what I think. No matter what you tell me, your actions will always speak louder than your denial in any given situation.

I do love you, your my friend. But, I don’t think that you know what love is.

Perhaps, I wouldn’t have written this, if I hadn’t found love myself.

Spring

I really like spring, even though there is none here in Florida.  In fact, I never actually seen a spring with many flowers and  clear sky’s.  Far fetched, I know.  Also spring, is the bearer of new beginnings.  I haven’t see my Jakey in a long time, or at least it feels like it. Maybe it is a test, to see what I can handle or not. Yet what I could not handle, trying to reach that limit.  Would not be wise at all.

Not As Much

I look around and I see peoples lives changing. I don’t have as much going on…let’s see, its the same routine, I go to school, hang out with friends, and go on the computer. That’s pretty much it. It doesn’t bother me, not at all. Just not so fun, sometimes lonely. For angst’s is my companion. It’s not only the fact that Lorena and Gigi will get visit by their lovers. I don’t have a lover, even if there is someone. I’m not being impatient, I can wait. I have waited two years for Glacmer to come, she will come on august. I’m satisfied, because on that month of the 2008 I will see Jake for the very first time, I promised myself that I would be with them during the summer, or summer end. Even if I’m going to Europe on a train ride….I need to see those two. For it would be one of the happiest times of my life. Yes, I can’t wait, its a normal emotion…But I do fear being distant from them, once their gone.

Definite

So here I stand, or perhaps sit. Remembering the busiest weekend of my life, sure it was 4 days, but it made me feel like I had so many things to do. Perhaps my favorite day was Friday, on November 23rd of 2007. Not only did I get to hang out with the best-est friends ever [Lorenita & Gigi] but I got to see my family, and talk to Jakey. He told me some words I had never heard from anyone else but Neko. He said this exactly ” >o< ILOVEJOOMOARTHENANYONE” and then he blushed. I was speechless for like a minute. And Lorena sort of pushed me to say things, I thank her truly. Yet its hard for me to explain situations, just because it worked out for her and Denden, it doesn’t mean its gonna be the same story here. Me and him, are more alike then she can imagine, and if they both understood that, then they would see, it is more complicated then they think. Not only do I sometimes think he is too shy to even ask, but I myself would not dare to ask such a thing from someone I haven’t met in person yet. For I wish to analyze him in person, and see the way it truly is, I want to cherish that moment. For its not always that I fall for someone, and I do not wish to rush such opportunities. Ahem. Anyways I fear I may be grounded for getting C’s in my report card, that is never good for anyone, and I can see myself not doing to well. Such things worry me, but I can always repair them, in due time.

Strange

What’s strange? When sometimes you don’t even know what to think, but you know what it is. When you dream of certain things or people more then twice. When you don’t know what the other one thinks. When all you do is think of the person. Does that make me weird, does that make me strange? Well it certainly makes me feel different and not focused on what I need to focus. I miss the person all the time, in fact I just need to see him. For reality is quite cruel with me, I don’t like school, I just like the people in it, but its just life’s contradictions or expectations brought on and on. If I didn’t know any better, I rather not go in that, but its better to let it out. I’m just tired, of not being able to see and do what I wish. Yes there’s restrictions, but my yearning wont cease. For how I wish I could see Jake and my dear Glacmer, how I wish I could go to other countries, how I wish I could buy what I wish, how I wish I could just go and do what I want. But no, I have to do what others want, my only escape is the computer and the people in it. It gives me a sense of freedom. As if I can do what I wish for once. But even then they wish to restrain such wishes until I is no longer young, for what would be the point to do all I wish when I have responsibilities on my way. There is none, for I wont enjoy my teen years with such restrictions, but I plan to make them a reality and it will be before I graduate.

Ryu & Stuff

So the other day Jakey got a web-cam, made me kind of happy, even though we both don’t use our as much. Its still nice to have them just in case. I know Gigi really wants to see what he looks like, and so does Lorena. The strange thing I didn’t take a picture of him…I took a picture of his cat! Now that I think about it, there must have been something wrong with me at that instant. But his cat is so cute, it is named Ryu, and its very playful, and I really want to touch it! I mean really, I also wanna touch Jakey. -laughs- But anyways, his cat is the greatest, just like Lorena’s. Lorena’s cat Rain is all peaceful, but Ryu is playful. I truly love cats and I wish I had one, but I can’t sadly. If I ever had the chance to have a cat just like Ryu, It would be perfect.

Lately

I want to have some fun in this life, so maybe I can hang out with Lorena and Gigi more often, go to the mall and stuff. I’ve been stressing lately so it would really help me and stuff. At home what keeps me going, is talking to Jakey, so that has always been helpful. Times as this don’t come often, when I am in a slump. To keep myself from looking down on my life, I need distractions until I fix the problem. I’m content with my life, dont get me wrong, but there’s always room for improvement. Once I settle in a new home, maybe life will change as well. Less worries perhaps. For now, I have to ‘try’ to work hard. Or else.

About School

I’m not happy about my grades, I got to admit, but that can be fixed. What I truly dislike is having lunch without my dear Gigi and Lorenita. I sit there in first lunch, doing pretty much nothing but eating, it is pretty depressing if you ask anyone. I supose it can also be fixed, if I make more friends in that lunch, but I have this thing, that when I like a person , we click quickly. That only happened with a few people. Don’t get me wrong, I see them as wonderful people, I’m just not sure if they are the type of people that like someone like myself. Not that I’m not a likeable. I guess its just weird, I’ve always been a strange person, and I get along with certain people. Once I found a person just as strange as me, or even more. Her name was Glacmer. The sweetest girl I ever met in this world, more sensitive then anyone, more perverted then everyone. That was my dearest Neko, as she nicknamed herself. Kind, and sweet, yet she was deceived easily, which broke my heart and augmented the hate I have for a lot of men. Yet, she seemed to understand all, maybe it was her harsh life, and strange situations. She know’s me more then anyone, and was always there, or more like I was always there for her. She was my best friend, or still is, yet I fear that after a year or so, we have drifted apart. For she made friends, and so did I. For Neko, I always gotten jealous, I dont know why, the thought of seeing someone who is closer to Neko then me, was heartdrenching. If I think about it too much, it probably would sadden me so. A person that was closest to me is now so far, have we both changed? I’m I still the same girl she knew? For I feel, like I have changed, without her. She wasnt here to see me change, nor was I there for her, to see her change. Someone who was so close, is now half-way around the world. When I think of this, I wonder why, why couldn’t she stay with me for always. I miss her so, I miss her so much right now, I really want to see her. When I sit at lunch by myself, I think about her, and try not to cry, like I am as I type this, for always only Neko could bring tears to my eyes. I always thought that, we be together for a long time, but a year was just too short of a while, I wanted to get to know everything, to make new memories, to be in the same schools again, and go to highschool together. Like we had planned…We said, that we would go to school together….that ….that…was all we were able to plan….which makes me weep even more. To know, that, that is all…I wante more, I didn’t want her to leave, yet I fret, for our goodbye was a mere hug, I didn’t even cry, and now I cry, yes I do, but now…it is too late.

It Seems.

So it really matters to me, what Jakey thinks, more then anything, even if he isnt here in person. If he thinks I’m weird…It matters, if he think’s I’m violent….It matters, I want to know what he really thinks, though, I will not ask, for i’m not sure how I would react to his answers, would they hurt my feelings, or make me happy? Will I identify it as “just friends” situation, because speaking truthfully and in depth, we really are just friends. No matter what I feel, he and I are friends, and nothing has changed that…Not that I want it to, I was thinking it be great if it did, but then, will we change? Will there be pressure to be something else then what we are now? Will I feel conpelled to do just act as a couple or be a couple. For people such as us, its hard to identify what is there. If I were to be with him, what would happen? Will I become sad, because he lives somewhere else, and most likely nothing will change that. Will I become angsty because I can’t go see him as I wish. Will people see it as a strange symbol, after all I didn’t meet him the way its suppose to be. So yes, lets say “Who cares what people think” yet wrong again, for yes, it matters at times, for it is neccesary to go on living with acceptance by others, as sensitive as I am, I wouldn’t be able to stand disaprovel. Not only are we ranked in age, and how we met, but were ranked on racial standards, and even social status. When I think about these things, it makes me feel lonely, for I think this all to myself, yet perhaps he hasn’t even thought of it yet. Sometimes it gets me sadden, for then I realize how much I really do care, and with my growing affection each at, it is not assure what I should do or say. Do I have to wait for some miracle, or a person that can understand me? Do I have to wait, until he makes up his mind, and come for me, or will he ever really come? Do I have to stand this for much longer? I will not say or do anything, for my integrity and pride are on the line. Neither will I reach out for affection, for I want it on his own will and terms, not my own desperation, and need. Heh, makes me sound pathetic, yet the true is not denied on these therms. Sometimes I think I like him so much, I would wait for long, maybe years, if my affection lasts, it would be horrible if my affection was fake, I cant think that way, it is imposible. For this feeling is the longest I ever had. For strange reasons and weird situations, it just happened, and now thats all I can ever think about, for what is wrong with me? Have I gone mad, or its just an insane idea or passion I have. For if I cant forget it, I may go mad.